a rebel without a clue

Category Archives: The College Years

Never in my life have I ever had someone request that I write a blog about them.. until this past weekend. First of all, I write this blog mostly to get my own crazy ramblings and complaints out of my head and into the cloud as proof one day that I really am as fucking crazy as people think I am. Secondly, umm how fucking cool is this! I guess I should probably start at the beginning so this all comes together and makes much more sense.

This past weekend some lovely college friends of mine invited me to celebrate their wedding with them.. whether or not they’re regretting that decision today, I can’t be sure.. but we’ll get to that. As most people know (because I literally have it tattooed on my body) I’m from the state of Wisconsin, and my friends happen to be from our neighboring state of Trill-inois. Instead of rushing in at the last minute, I decided to make a weekend of it and stay with a group of friends outside of Chicago, which inevitably would turn into some unforgettable memories. (okay, maybe forgettable with all of the alcohol consumed)

Night one. Our most darling hostess let us stay keep at her beautiful flat in Lakeview which just happens to be right next to Boy’s Town in Chicago. If you know anything about Boy’s Town, it’s that you’re going to have a fucking great time there. The first bar we walked into didn’t disappoint. As sparks flew from what appeared to be a jigsaw on a woman’s vagina-area, we knew this place was going to be great. $12.00 pitchers of long-islands and a techno dance room.. Hello hangover.

Day two. Death. Although we stopped on our way home at the most amazing late night restaurant ever called Cheesie’s.. a place that specializes in grilled cheese (YUM), we were all a little slow moving. And by that, I mean the only thing we did all day was walk down the block to eat hangover food at a baller burger bar called DMK. It wouldn’t be a vacation without more drinking, so we all mustered up the courage to throw a few back.. and ended back up at our favorite grilled cheese joint.

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THE BIG DAY. Here is was, wedding day. And I’m not going to lie, my ancient 23-year-old body was really fucking hating me for abusing it. Sometimes I honestly wonder how I survived college. Props to all of the alcoholics out there, that takes dedication to feel like shit every day of your life. (I’m really sorry, I don’t mean that at all… jeezus it just sucks being hungover constantly, so please get help.) Either way, hair did, nails did, dress on.. let’s go.

Now, I just want to add in here how I happen to know the magnificent couple getting married. Kyle, the handsome groom, was a fellow greek-lifer but more importantly, my super smart lab partner in genetics class. Being a communication major, human genetics was a bunch of gibberish to me and I definitely wouldn’t have passed without him. As we became better friends, the two of us started a tradition together: Thursday nights. (sorry we don’t have a catchy name) A bar nearby our campus had a ladie’s night deal on Thursdays which became our day to shoot the shit, cry our eyes out, get stuff off our chests and when appropriate dance or sing like fools. It never failed, Kyle was a great partner in crime. Through the years, I got to know Kristin (his most adoring wife.. [WIFE! that’s so crazy to write!]) Which ends us back up at their wedding day.

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Being the stupid, emotional girl that I am, I shed a tears as I watched them exchange vows.. ugh I’m such a cheeseball I know. Now here’s the part I’ll explain why I’m unsure if they’re still okay with inviting me.. THE RECEPTION. Open bar + champagne toasts + cocktails in the hotel room = inappropriate laughter, behavior and all around shenanigans demeanor. Within the first 5 minutes, my date had spilled a whole glass of champagne down the front of my dress.. before we had even toasted. Oops. But alas, the night went on.. There were laughs to be had, photbooth pictures to be taken and most importantly: DANCING. Honest to goodness, (and I’m not just saying this because I know you’re reading this) this wedding had some of the best music ever. I felt like the dancefloor was full the whole time, either that or I’m delusional and was too caught up in my own white girl dance moves to care what anyone else was doing. More drinks were had, I even took a spill but all in all I had a blast and just hope I didn’t embarrass myself too much.. except that part where I smashed cake in my date’s face. I meant that part. Oh and the part when I dirty danced to Cher with the best man (shout out to Andy Eckhorn!) No regrets there either..

Beautiful wedding you guys, it was amazing. I’m honored that you read this complaint-ridden, poorly written pile of crazy that is me and asked me to add you guys to it! I wish you all the best and can’t wait to come visit you!

p.s. – Kyle, you still owe me a husband 🙂  AND Kristin! You couldn’t have looked more beautiful!


Did you ever have to sit down and think: What am I really good at? What makes me…ME? That is something I’ve struggled with for a long time, because I find that most people are disillusioned with who they really are. If I think I’m funny, but other people think I’m annoying, well then I’m not good at entertaining people, but I THINK I am, so does that mean I’m still successful at it just because I’ve convinced myself that I am? Self-worth and matter are things that we care about the most, so if we “don’t care what other people think” then I guess my statement earlier is true, you should be able to convince yourself that you are good at anything, invincible even.. But for some reason, we all still find ourselves doubting our next move and making sure that all of our ducks are in a line. I would like to say I’m spontaneous, but realistically, is it really spontaneous just because I agree to last-minute things, or does that just mean that I don’t have a plan or a path so I always have the time to agree to those things? Who knows. I wish I could convince myself that I am one of the Incredibles right now, but I can’t quite figure out what my super powers are yet. I can’t figure out how many tablespoons of salt make up what is me. Hopefully I can think of something soon, or find some sort of inspiration. Maybe I’ll end up like the baby in that movie and be able to blow people up with my mind.. that’d be cool.. or the ability to fly, I could use the gas money.

As graduation nears, my anxiety and blood pressure are rising each day. Tears fill my eyes at the most ridiculous times just thinking about the impeding doom which is that point when you’re driving down the road and it just ends, but you can’t turn around and it seems like a bad dream. That is graduation in my eyes. I keep giving the same pep talk to all of my friends over and over again, the typical it’ll be okay.. don’t worry.. things work themselves out.. but boy oh boy it is so much easier to be scared. I know from personal experience that I can pretty much handle anything that is thrown at me, but for whatever reason I’m not even convinced by my own inspirational speech.

Sometimes I think to myself? Does everything always turn out rainbows and kittens.. HECK NO! I guess I just don’t see why we are always striving to see the glass half-full. I spend oodles and oodles of time thinking about how I can be more positive and ways to keep the negative out, but sometimes you just can’t help it. To quote a recent episode of Made that I saw on MTV, “Sometimes life gives you a handful of dog turds” and you know what? That is totally true. I guess I just need to figure out where my sunshine is right now because it seems a little cloudy over here. I feel like one of those kids who has depressing lyrics on their Facebook status and wears emo clothes.

This whole college thing is such a bipolar mix of emotions. You’re with the coolest people in the world and have the most fun EVER and the best memories that you could ask for, but then you’re expected to move onto this brand new chapter.. WHICH don’t get me wrong I CAN’T WAIT to be able to have free time and be able to really work on my real life hobbies like that thing where you open that device with all the pages inside and you actually sit down and do that “READING” thing, but I’m not ready to give up all of the good times either. So I guess right now I’m a Debbie Downer the glass is EMPTY so stop pretending it’s full kind of a person.. but the square root of 69 is 8 something and I’m just tryin’ to work it out.. (Thanks for that awesome quote Drake) I’ll find my sunshine again soon.

I can only hope for the Good Life right now.. So I might as well listen to it for a little extra inspiration.

So the other day in one of my classes we were talking about things you do when you move to a new town and how you would meet people. I thought about it for a while, came up with typical answers, but the one person said, “I would definitely not be a creep and go out to eat by myself or anything like that…” And I was like huh? I always thought that was creepy too.. but oh wait.. I do that all the time! Being alone has such a bad stigma to it, but I’m convinced that most people have never tried it. Then I kept thinking to myself.. I prefer to do most things by myself, I mean don’t get me wrong I would much rather go out with someone, but I definitely don’t mind being by myself either… maybe this makes me a creep but I think there are plenty of advantages of this quality. I think that I developed this “loner” habit when I started working full time and having a 1 hour lunch break. There is only so much you can do until you finally break down and say, hey I’m going to be that guy who sits by himself today. But whatever, I get to try new things that maybe someone else wouldn’t want to. I get to have my own agenda for whatever I’m doing and not explain it to anyone else. If I decide to go shopping by myself I don’t have to explain to another person why I’ve gone into the same stores 5 different times and looked at the same thing trying to decide whether or not to buy it. I don’t have to walk fast or try to keep up with anyone if I decide to go for a walk around the lake. I can drive around fancy neighborhoods and make a million circles around round-abouts without anyone in the car to judge me. I can turn my radio all the way up and sing as loud as I can until my throat hurts. I can go to the store and page through magazines. I can walk to the beach and eat ice cream and so on. (I think you get the picture) I guess what I’m trying to get at is that everyone should value their 1 hour a day that they are by themselves and do something out of the ordinary or just plain whatever you want.

and in case you aren’t creative here is a list of 10 things you can do that don’t involve Facebook or microwaveable food:


So it’s the beginning of April and the past six months have come and gone in the blink of an eye, and here I sit not exactly in the place I envisioned myself when I was a little girl. When you’re a kid you think to yourself, by the time I’m 21 and graduating college, I’m going to be worldly and know everything I’ve always wanted to with a dream job to boot.. or least a pony! Instead, I’m a second semester Senior struggling to decide where I’m going. I’m much to young for this to be a mid-life crisis, but it is definitely a I’m graduating college and I’m not ready crisis. Maybe I was an over-aspiring child, but this not exactly what I expected. I’m totally fine with being done doing homework and staying up late to cram study, but college is such a cruel joke. You come here for 4 years, or more, make best friends and then you all move away! What a jip! It is definitely going to be the most memorable years of my life, but how unfair that now I need to move on, but what if I don’t want to. I don’t want to be the eternal sorority girl who still hangs around college, but I don’t want to live in corporate America. I don’t want to play workplace games. I don’t want to worry about things like 401K or health insurance. I don’t want to chose just one career path. The worst part about all of this, is that I know there are about 599 other seniors thinking the exact same thing I am right now.. You play it cool and convince yourself everything will be alright because that is all you can do. You jump through the hoops of making a LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, a portfolio. You attend all of the career seminars that they make you. You complete your mock interviews and your capstone class which is all supposed to set you up for the future. Going to college used to be a golden ticket in the job market, but these days that just doesn’t cut it anymore. EVERYONE HAS THE GOLDEN TICKET. Everyone has a degree, but what else can you possibly do to set yourself apart from everyone else? How do you catch their attention? Writing that you are unique or eclectic is barely even going to get someone to glance at your resume for one extra second. So where do you find that inner glitter and sparkle that will really get you to that little girl dream? I’m not sure yet.. So I’ll guess I’ll have to get back to you. But for now, here’s to the Seniors of 2011.

So in two weeks, I’m going to start my last semester at Carroll University. It seems like just yesterday that I was moving my stuff into my dorm in the sweltering heat, being excited as ever. For the first time, there were no rules, no one to ask permission, I was on my own. I have had a ton of fun and made a lot of stupid mistakes on the way, but it was all worth it.

The time went by in the blink of an eye, but reflecting on my years in college, I’ve met lots of people, made a bunch of acquaintances and struggled through some hard times,  but the best part of all it was finding the best friends that I could have ever asked for. Each person has a totally different story and played a different role in my life. There are certain moments that stick out in my mind for sure and endless hours of stories.

I really wouldn’t trade any of my friends in for what comes next in my life, I’ve decided that no matter what happens, they are definitely here to stay. I would attribute all my success in life to my awesome family and my crazy group of friends. People say you that you find one person who is your “best friend”, but I’ve found five. They each are different and neurotic in their own ways, but hey, so am I. I honestly don’t think that I would’ve had the strength and courage without any of these people.

So cheers to good friends and great families.

Can’t wait to see what this last semester brings me.. I’ll keep ya posted.

(December 2007)