I write about my mom a lot a lot a lot on these blog posts, but I guess this is just an outlet for me, a coping mechanism even.. at least I think so. Sorry if I ever come off as a real Debbie Downer.. no one likes having that kid around, but sometimes it just feels better to write things down. Anyway, lately I’ve been feeling all kinds of mixed up. Like someone took all of my thoughts, feelings and the kitchen sink, threw them in bucket and stirred it up until I didn’t know what was what anymore. I’m not sure if anyone else ever feels like this, but it’s just the strangest thing.
I’ll try to make better sense of this. After my mom passed away, finding meaning in things was really difficult for me. Nothing I did was ever going to bring her back and it brought this sense of emptiness about me. I was constantly searching for something, but I couldn’t even tell myself what it was. A constant struggle between my mind telling me, “hello dummy.. you know she isn’t coming back” but my stupid heart saying “find something else to make you feel better, there has to be SOMETHING” — but there’s not. At least not to me. I guess I’ve realized it isn’t about filling a void, but about just being the best me I can be. That’s all I can be.. Me. The other pieces will eventually find the right place.
There are so many things to just sort out, the journey I’m supposed to be on is very muddled to me. There are all of these expectations that float around in society about what I “should be” doing with my life.. but I often find myself not following the path of ordinary people. As much as I want to fit in and just be like another person, I’m beginning to see that’s pretty unrealistic. So what do I do? Where do I go? What should I be looking for? Sometimes it’s just so frustrating to ask these questions and not be able to see any sort of clear answer. No guidance, no recommendations or advice that exists.
I’m not exactly sure how long it’ll take me to get all of those different facets of my life out of that mixed bucket and put them back where they belong.. and maybe I never will, but that’s fine with me. I don’t know if anyone ever really “figures it out” .. so why do we try so hard to do so? All of this thinking, over thinking, messed up mix of a mess cluster is enough to make a person feel crazy.. but you know what? I know that each and every day that I reflect on myself and the way my actions affect others I will become a better person. I’m building myself bigger and stronger each and every day.. To quote Walter White: “I’m in the empire business.”
p.s. – I swear I’ll post something more funny and upbeat next time.. this just happens to be my thought of the week.