This past weekend I did some traveling for two of my good friends wedding. I’ve never been to a destination wedding, so despite the beautiful -20 degree temperature, I begrudgingly boarded the plane to Miami.. end destination Key West. Over the course of the 72 hours I was there, I learned many lessons.. so I thought I would share my wealth of knowledge with you all.. You’re welcome.

1. Moving walkways in airports are the best fucking invention.. EVER. Seriously. You feel important, like you’re really going places in life.. Here you are zipping around the airport like you have somewhere to be and people should be bowing down before you. Get out of my way! I’m in the fast lane! When realistically, you have to do like 90% less walking which is always a plus in my book but you’re just getting to the terminal faster to sit around and wait.

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2. O’Hare sucks except for their light up hallway. Don’t get me wrong, I like Chicago just fine. I’m just bitter that I had to walk like 8,000 miles in the airport because it was “too early” and the shuttles weren’t running to other concourses.. like what do I think this is? an airport that is open 24 hours a day.. my mistake. However, the light up walkway gives you the experience of a great LSD trip for a few minutes without even having to take one step (see above example).

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3. Why do people take up so many seats at the gate when there is obviously limited space?! Now this one REALLY drives me nuts. People being rude in general makes me mad, but why do you just stare at someone when they are walking around looking for a place to wait for the plane to show up as you’re taking up 10 seats with your iPad, Starbucks cup, fanny pack, magazines and every other stupid piece of crap you brought with you on the plane. I mean, you’re right.. don’t get too close to anyone.. God forbid you’d have to sit next to them. It’s not like you’re getting on an airplane in 10 minutes with negative personal boundaries and space anyway. Resolution: MOVE YOUR SHIT. BE POLITE. JEEZE.

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4. Key West is the Mecca of cats. I know there is a cat craze going on right now, so hopefully I’m not giving away some sort of unknown secret. So if you love cats, get there. Like yesterday.

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5. Falling asleep on the beach the day you get on a plane is not ideal. 2 hours in the morning sun of Miami = LOBSTER SKIN. SERIOUSLY.

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6. Singing Wheels on the Bus over the airplane speaker system is not something that just happens in the movies. This is no joke. A 2.5 hour flight with a screaming baby does weird things to people.. like force them to sing nursery rhymes over the PA forcing the whole plane to join in and start clapping when the baby stops crying. Seriously. I’m not even making this up.

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7. Rerouting flights can be a blessing and a curse. Direct flight in 20 minutes? Did I win the lottery?! Heck yes I’ll take it. Oh wait, I’m still in a bathing suit and sundress flying to Chicago in February. Oops. Too late now. That was one cold flight.

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