In a previous post of mine, I discussed how strangers love to talk to me. I don’t know if the stars are aligning or if this fall air is bringing out the love in everyone, but boy am I feeling good about all of the propositioning I’ve been getting lately. I mean I have suitors approaching me left and right so I will make sure to only tell you stories about the highest quality men I’ve been attracting lately.
I’m at the perfect venue to meet someone.. the gas station. Minding my own business, I start to wash off all of the nasty bug carcasses on my windshield. Since I’m on my way to work, I’m wearing a dress — which is pretty ordinary for me. In an effort to decrease the amount of bug guts scraping across my windshield I try to reach all the way across and get the water all in one swipe. The next moment, I hear a woman yell a disgusted “DAMN!” and I look around because it’s super awkward, so I nonchalantly pull down the back of my dress, thinking she was yelling about my butt showing or something. I mean, that wouldn’t be out of the question considering I’m well below average in the height department, I’m reaching across my car as far as I can and I’m wearing a dress.. that is a recipe for my butt making an appearance.
After the woman walks away, a garbage man approaches me laughing. They had pulled up on the street right next to where I was filling up and apparently he saw the whole situation unravel before him because he informed me that the woman was talking to him because he was trying to jump over a fence. I laugh and say okay thinking nothing of this polite banter until the sanitation worker gets a little closer to me and says, “trust me, she wasn’t talking to you about that dress. You’re looking damn good in that dress.” Aww thanks mister, you just made my day.
Not but only a few short days later I had tickets to a concert at The Rave. I wasn’t feeling very well at all, so I put the tickets on craigslist for a quick sale to try to make some of my money back. Boom – I immediately get an e-mail, call the guy and set up a place to meet him before the show. Getting gussied up before meeting a craigslist buyer is generally not my thing, so I was wearing a hoodie, moccasins and glasses (a classic hottie combo) feeling like a flaming piece of garbage. I waited around for this gentleman to show up for 20 minutes because apparently being on time is his top priority. We exchange the goods for cash moneyz and I’m on my way. Well actually, let me back up. His excuse upon his less than timely arrival is “sorry my friend here was s-ing D for a dime bag (I’m not writing that out so if you can’t catch on, I’m sorry)” and points to the girl he is about to attend this concert with. GROSS / WHO SAYS THAT KIND OF SHIT TO STRANGERS?! As I’m getting in the car, I get a phone call from the craigslist guy.. weeeeeird, I’m thinking something is wrong with the tickets, so I answer. He says he got a free ticket from someone walking in and invites me to come to the show.. Awkward, but I politely decline.
I get home and I’m ready to do some snoozing / treats on the couch.. pretty much for the rest of the night. Just as I begin to settle in, I receive this series of texts from the classy craigslist crooner saying:
Seriously? I mean it would make a great love story to tell my children one day that I met their father on Craigslist, the same site where you can buy a chicken or post a request for fetish sex with a tranny from Mexico, but that’s not strange at all right.. it would be so romantic. So yes, read it and weep — I am brushing off husband candidates left and right. I guess looking on the bright side, at least the garbage man has a job? That’s a plus.. right?